Five Dating Tips for Single Moms

I met Jamal at a club during a friend's birthday party. He was attractive, flirtatious and overly confident, which was strangely off-putting and intriguing at the same time. While the strobe lights flashed and the music pounded, we exchanged numbers. When the phone rang the next day, I was excited to find out more about him.

Now there is no such thing as the perfect man, but there is such a thing as a good fit. And Jamal was not a good fit. Early on in our conversations, he revealed that he had an infant daughter living in another state, was barely paying child support, and hadn't seen his little girl in months. The red flag went up for me immediately.

As a single mother of a 3-year-old daughter, I was turned off. Needless to say, Jamal didn't last long.

Dating as a single mother is very difficult because there are so many things to take into consideration. You're not as carefree as the next girl, and your decisions about who to date will have an impact on you as well as your child. So here are five tips for making the dating process a little easier to navigate.

1. Know What You Want
This is actually a great tip for any woman, but especially single mothers. Knowing what you want out of a relationship and the type of man you want to be with prevents you from wasting your time. If you've been through enough bad relationships, you'll have an idea of what you want. Someone who values fidelity. Someone who respects your goals. Someone who isn't insecure. I had been through a relationship that lasted three and a half years and involved so many bad elements that I felt like I'd been in five awful relationships all at once. By the time everything was over, I had a really good idea of what I wouldn't put up with and how I wanted to feel when I was with someone.

If you haven't been through a bad relationship, do a little happy dance around the room! When you're done, sit down and write down all of the qualities you're looking for in a man and in a relationship. In Jamal’s case, we didn’t share the same value for parenting so he didn’t make the cut. Once you’ve written these things down, review the list whenever you meet someone. Sometimes a pretty face or a charming personality can make us forget what is important to us.

2. Think About Your Kids
I know this seems obvious, but there are so many women who get into relationships without thinking about the effects it will have on their children. Realize that if the relationship becomes serious, this is someone who will be an influence in your child’s life. That means, if they have a potty-mouth, your children will be exposed to that. If they drink too much, your children will see it. If they lose their temper when you argue, your children will be right there. Identify the person’s characteristics and think about whether you want your children exposed to that. Things witnessed in childhood can have a lasting effect.

3. The Six Month Rule
It can take a while to see a person’s true colors or to determine whether or not a relationship is really going somewhere. And in the beginning, you may just want to have fun and not take it too seriously. For these reasons, I suggest enacting the “Six Month Rule,” which means shielding your children from the person you’re dating for at least six months. This is good for so many reasons. One, it results in one-on-one quality time that often gets hampered when children are running around. Two, it allows you to get to know the guy before introducing him to your children. And three, it prevents your children from getting attached to someone who may not be around long. When my husband and I started dating, he would come over after 8PM – my daughter’s bedtime.

4. Find a Good Dad
By this I don’t mean rush out and look for a father for your children! Being a good boyfriend doesn’t automatically mean he will be “Father of the Year.” In your case, you want both. Make sure he has a love of children, is responsible, values the role of a father and wants to spend time with his kids. Also, make sure he doesn’t have any hang-ups about raising someone else’s child. It’s important that he will eventually be comfortable raising your child as his own.

5. Strike a Balance
Once you’re in a serious relationship with a man who shares your values, meets your standards, is great Dad-material, and has met your children, you’ll need to make sure there is a healthy balance in your life between mother and girlfriend. If the scale is tipped to one side or the other, your relationships will suffer. When I met my husband, I had devoted every day to my daughter so it was difficult to make that necessary shift. Other women may get so caught up in their new relationships that they spend less and less time with their children. As a woman, finding this healthy balance can be difficult, but once you’ve mastered it, you’ll see the benefits.

Dating wisely as a single mom will result in a happier future for both you and your children. The need to date responsibly for my daughter surely saved me from additional heartbreak and helped me find the man I am married to today. By using these tips, you will be investing in your own happiness as well as your family’s. Happy dating!

Sean Taylor's Passing: The Value of a Human Life

Like you, I've been glued to the TV, looking up articles on the Internet, and listening to reports on the radio about the passing of Redskins safety, Sean Taylor. Like you, I've been wondering why something so senseless had to happen. Like you, I've been praying for his family and friends - just asking God to wrap His arms around them during this time of immense grieving. I feel such pain for them and for Sean. I never knew him or talked to him, but as a Washingtonian, I feel a certain attachment to him. And his pictures seem to reflect such a genuine person -- someone we could all know from high school, around the way, or a friend's house.

Every day, the news reports senseless killings just like this one. Many times it's another black male, age 15-24, who has fallen victim to a bullet. Other times, it's a child playing in their living room or an old woman sitting on her porch. Regardless of the victim, it's always mind boggling. We want to know WHY?

The specific "why?" in each case is hidden underneath the complexities of the situation -- layers of bitterness, competition, jealousy, need, a lack of love, insecurity, etc. But when we step back and look at the big picture, the general "why?" can be answered with this: a complete disregard for the importance and value of a human life.

I'm baffled by this. I can't wrap my mind around it. And I know it's because I'm a mother who has invested so much in my child. I waited patiently for nine months while she took form, prayed every night for her health and happiness, and then pushed my body to its very limits just so I could see her face. As women, we know the work that goes into creating a life, and we make efforts every day to sustain it. Hopefully, our hard work and love will result in a happy, healthy human being who respects others and who values not only their life but the lives of all people.

But somewhere along the line, its seems like someone or something failed to do that with these criminals. Someone failed to put that time and effort into loving them or some system failed to protect them or inspire them the way it's supposed to. The result is as dangerous as the weapons they use - a person who equates a pair of sneakers, a pound of marijuana or a sum of cash with the intricate and fragile existence that is a human life.

Sean was someone's father, son, fiance, friend, role model, etc. He was something to so many people, and in one moment, he was ripped away. There are many lessons in this tragedy for me. Life is short. Every day is precious. And don't fail the people in your life. Reach out to someone in need. Invest in them as a human being, and in turn you may be saving another.

God bless.

Money for College

I've been receiving a lot of emails and questions during talks regarding teen parents' ability to afford college. Believe me, I didn't have a fat bank account or rich parents who helped pay my tuition. In fact, I was living in a motel when I was filling out my college applications.

So, here is my advice: Once you've given birth to your child, you are considered an "independent student," which means the government doesn't consider you a dependent of your parents and therefore does not take their income into consideration when determining how much money to give/loan you for college. You don't need to rely solely on scholarships and grants to pay tuition, you can also take out student loans.

I know being in debt when you graduate is a scary thought, but investing in your education is one of the best things you can do. As a college graduate, you'll be making more than someone who only has a high school diploma and you'll be able to afford those student loan payments.

To learn more about student loans, you can visit: www.fafsa.ed.gov.

Scholarships and grants are also a great way to pay for college. Check your high school guidance office for scholarship listings that you might be able to qualify for because of a high GPA, your city of residence, hobbies such as singing and dancing, or the fact that you're a teen parent. You can also check the scholarship listings at the Financial Aid Office of the university or college you're interested in. Another resource for scholarships specific to teen parents can be found at: www.collegemommagazine.com.

Best wishes!

Nicole Gets Married!

Yes, my name has changed! I hope it wasn't too confusing. Donte and I were married on October 12th so I am now Nicole Lynn Lewis. It was an amazing day from beginning to end - so much fun and very special. To see photos, please click here.

The name is different, but the book and purpose are still the same!

Thank you, everyone, for your love and support!

ArtistFirst Radio Interview

I just wanted to let you guys know that if you missed the "ArtistFirst" radio interview on September 12th, you can still check it out. Click here to listen! Thanks to everyone who tuned in!

Want to Help Teen Parents?

Many people who have read Glori have asked me how they can help young parents as they strive to get on their feet, survive and succeed. As many of you know, I am involved with a wonderful organization called the Healthy Teen Network that provides networking opportunities, training and support to professionals working with adolescents and young families all over the country.

The Healthy Teen Network has embarked on a very exciting project called their "Young Families Initiative," which is a joint effort with FrameWorks Institute to ultimately reframe the issue of teen parenting in the public's eye. By reframing the way people think about teen parents (which is currently very negative), the organization hopes to get more support for teen parents; identify and develop new resources; find out what research is needed to help teen parents gain success (such as making a livable wage and breaking the cycle of poverty) and other anticipated outcomes.

As you can imagine, this project is a big one, but we're confident that it will have a major impact on young families across the United States. We'd love your help in making this happen. It is a three year, $375,000 initiative and every penny counts.

To make your donation, please visit www.healthyteennetwork.org and designate your funds to the Young Families Initiative. If you have questions, please contact me at nicole@nicoleink.com.

Thanks for listening and for your support!

Wishing you love and blessings...

Welcome to NicoleInk!

I've done it. I've finally joined the rest of the world and entered the realm of blogging!

Among other reasons, it's a great way for me to stay in touch with my readers, friends and family and to have a public forum for discussing so many things. I wrote my most recent book, Glori, to inspire young women who become pregnant to pursue their hopes and dreams no matter what, but I've found that so many people are inspired by it - not just young girls but men and women of all ages. The reality is, it's a story about the power of the human spirit that everyone can relate to. We all have challenges that seem insurmountable. Glori is truly touching people from all walks of life!

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