Five Dating Tips for Single Moms

I met Jamal at a club during a friend's birthday party. He was attractive, flirtatious and overly confident, which was strangely off-putting and intriguing at the same time. While the strobe lights flashed and the music pounded, we exchanged numbers. When the phone rang the next day, I was excited to find out more about him.

Now there is no such thing as the perfect man, but there is such a thing as a good fit. And Jamal was not a good fit. Early on in our conversations, he revealed that he had an infant daughter living in another state, was barely paying child support, and hadn't seen his little girl in months. The red flag went up for me immediately.

As a single mother of a 3-year-old daughter, I was turned off. Needless to say, Jamal didn't last long.

Dating as a single mother is very difficult because there are so many things to take into consideration. You're not as carefree as the next girl, and your decisions about who to date will have an impact on you as well as your child. So here are five tips for making the dating process a little easier to navigate.

1. Know What You Want
This is actually a great tip for any woman, but especially single mothers. Knowing what you want out of a relationship and the type of man you want to be with prevents you from wasting your time. If you've been through enough bad relationships, you'll have an idea of what you want. Someone who values fidelity. Someone who respects your goals. Someone who isn't insecure. I had been through a relationship that lasted three and a half years and involved so many bad elements that I felt like I'd been in five awful relationships all at once. By the time everything was over, I had a really good idea of what I wouldn't put up with and how I wanted to feel when I was with someone.

If you haven't been through a bad relationship, do a little happy dance around the room! When you're done, sit down and write down all of the qualities you're looking for in a man and in a relationship. In Jamal’s case, we didn’t share the same value for parenting so he didn’t make the cut. Once you’ve written these things down, review the list whenever you meet someone. Sometimes a pretty face or a charming personality can make us forget what is important to us.

2. Think About Your Kids
I know this seems obvious, but there are so many women who get into relationships without thinking about the effects it will have on their children. Realize that if the relationship becomes serious, this is someone who will be an influence in your child’s life. That means, if they have a potty-mouth, your children will be exposed to that. If they drink too much, your children will see it. If they lose their temper when you argue, your children will be right there. Identify the person’s characteristics and think about whether you want your children exposed to that. Things witnessed in childhood can have a lasting effect.

3. The Six Month Rule
It can take a while to see a person’s true colors or to determine whether or not a relationship is really going somewhere. And in the beginning, you may just want to have fun and not take it too seriously. For these reasons, I suggest enacting the “Six Month Rule,” which means shielding your children from the person you’re dating for at least six months. This is good for so many reasons. One, it results in one-on-one quality time that often gets hampered when children are running around. Two, it allows you to get to know the guy before introducing him to your children. And three, it prevents your children from getting attached to someone who may not be around long. When my husband and I started dating, he would come over after 8PM – my daughter’s bedtime.

4. Find a Good Dad
By this I don’t mean rush out and look for a father for your children! Being a good boyfriend doesn’t automatically mean he will be “Father of the Year.” In your case, you want both. Make sure he has a love of children, is responsible, values the role of a father and wants to spend time with his kids. Also, make sure he doesn’t have any hang-ups about raising someone else’s child. It’s important that he will eventually be comfortable raising your child as his own.

5. Strike a Balance
Once you’re in a serious relationship with a man who shares your values, meets your standards, is great Dad-material, and has met your children, you’ll need to make sure there is a healthy balance in your life between mother and girlfriend. If the scale is tipped to one side or the other, your relationships will suffer. When I met my husband, I had devoted every day to my daughter so it was difficult to make that necessary shift. Other women may get so caught up in their new relationships that they spend less and less time with their children. As a woman, finding this healthy balance can be difficult, but once you’ve mastered it, you’ll see the benefits.

Dating wisely as a single mom will result in a happier future for both you and your children. The need to date responsibly for my daughter surely saved me from additional heartbreak and helped me find the man I am married to today. By using these tips, you will be investing in your own happiness as well as your family’s. Happy dating!